I’m broken down, beat up, shredded and taped back together. My prayers are insincere my life is falling apart. The voice I want so desperately to hear is not my own in fact no longer does the reverberating sound of peace corse through my ears. My sin has led to me to a place of regret and anger, yet my pride keeps me at bay. When I stopped searching it was a slow fade away from glory and yet the effect was immediate. I have seen countless others go down the same path often gawking, in awe of authenticity in their eyes, the acceptance of such a life or death decision. and yet here i am lost and drowning, a fear grips me, a terror that i can only realize in my dreams. is there a search party sent to rescue me or am i destined to be lost forever. the sea of temptation is relentless it pulls you in, its only goal to weigh you down, to drag you under, to drown out your cries, to leave you for dead. it makes you lose sight of the ship you were once on, you lose grip of the hand that held you so firmly on board.
Eat, drink, and sleep the components that are required for a human to survive, but to just survive is to spit in the face of a purpose . I have lost sight of a goal that was so much greater then me. A goal that set me on the path to thrive. My dreams soar and while the evil outside my door shouts it endearing insults, a voice that is not my own screams, filling my thoughts with fear and trepidation and yet if change is not rapidly implemented it threatens to become my own. But what is the strong hold that incases my very soul? The answer is clear and with its clarity comes a hint of regret, this bar, this restraint, these unbreakable chains were imposed by none other than myself.
Pride, its strength overwhelms the greatest of men, how weak we are to such a petty thing is astounding. Anger rises within, as a storm on the sea the rage uncontrollable and unbearable it threatens to stifle the very outlet of my fears, I feel a tide of indifference washing over me. Pain is irrelevant, time is all to important, and choices have to be made. We are not promised tomorrow, so why is it that with this reality I choose to hold on to the tattered and torn pieces of my pain filled heart, what could possibly be gained from such great loss. The grass is just a facade, it is fake, digitized, infused with pigment of scientific making. And yet it is this inferiority that I cling to. No matter the fantasy one sets for themselves reality’s gavel must fall, the defense approaches the bench the accused is brought before the court, in the recesses of my mind there is a murmur, a hushed phrase said under breathe “my child these are not gains, rather the greatest of losses.”.The question is imposed the scale is placed the weights are balanced, Are the causalities to this battle worth it? From the back a figure rises, quietly making their way to the bench, they are the expert, the universe their expertise, the answer is simple, it is one with no need for explanation, His voice echos through the court neither threatening or overbearing yet with the authority of a ruler,No . Listen, it is not worth it, this fear and trepidation, it is not worth the pain you cause yourself. But pride must be deserted it must be dispelled, with it no progress can be made. You are frozen, unable to budge.Why is this so hard? Once again as with so many times before I choose to turn around,again the temporary has prevailed. I plead for a reprieve a moment when my cries feel real once again but alas there is a war raging inside me, it is all around me, it moves my feet, it heightens my choices. Does He still care? Is there still a plan, do the poor decisions I have made in my past change my future, has my destiny been fulfilled by another. There is a pain so deep I cannot reach it alone. I need help, unquestionably there is an desire that must be fulfilled .So well I talk the talk I can point others flaws out blindfolded and yet I lack the ability to myself walk the walk. The characters lines I read, the production I put on is what critics would rate with five stars. This is my life, I am the lead character, the writer, the producer, and director. But this is not how it should be, I am playing all the wrong parts, I have taken jobs that I have no training to complete. This cannot continue, this has to change. This will change, Change is imperative. I want better, I will not settle, I will not give in. I will fight, it will be an uphill battle, but I will fight. I cannot with sincerity say it and yet truth resonates through it, I cannot do it alone, a battle can not be won single handedly, especially when the warrior is wounded, when they are torn to pieces, when their heart is torn in two. No, this is a war, this needs an army a siege requires numbers, pride cannot hold forever, it must falter it must fall and when it does legions will return to my side. Legions of not my own choosing but of Gods choosing. Forgiveness must be issued, my failings are to complete to do without it, it is a free gift offered with open hands, Lord unfetter my mind, imprison my heart cast out me, my selfishness, my distain, the falling qualities unwillingly inherited. This is my Prayer, this is my Plea, as I fall to my knees, draw close for my hearts cry is but a whisper. Father, Forgive me, free me, and with the words of a prayer so unfalteringly answered, save me.
