Lonely and desolate my heart feels torn. A little piece of me cries out for more. Someone to notice, someone to care, someone to stand beside me when life seems unfair. I just want someone to ask, to take enough time, to care how I am doing and want more then a simple reply. To be willing to hear how my soul is in pain to care about how in reality my mask is so obviously there to hide my shame. I want someone who is willing to look into my eyes, to see beyond the smile I hide behind. To not just care to dump their troubles on me but to be willing to give and take, what a new feeling that would be. Someone to show up, to be there for me. To be the rock I lean on when everyone else seems to leave.I cry out to God tears streaming down my face sitting alone in the middle of this crowded place. Trying to understand how I got here again. The pain I am feeling is nothing new it has become the story of my life starting in my youth. For years and years I have failed to find a faithful friend who remains by my side. Going back and forth with God I can see the pain is never what he intend for me. He wants me to grow to be refined by his fire but its hard to see his plan when I have been sucked into one of the lies of the King of Liars. “You are not good enough, you never were, don’t you see its what makes you you that they try to avoid. They run away from you hideous life, when they see the real you, its your core that they despise. Its not the mask I have provided you that turns them away its you and your ugly display. You are broken and gone not worth others time do you not see how my point has been proven over time.” His bombardment wears me down it rattles my core. The foundations I stand upon are seeming to look like nothing more, then a trap I have built for my own demise, the life I have built with a rotting supplies. I don’t want to be discouraged, I want to press on but it seems that alas whats is broken is what I am leaning upon. I know what to do, I know where to crawl but I am tired of having to brace my own fall. The darkness that is hidden so deep in my heart is threatening to be unveiled in my new found part. Once again no matter with the intentions I have tried my struggles have been in vain because of one simple lie. I thought I had handed it all over to Him but I guess I have taken it all back again. I find it difficult to let go, to be caught up completely in the healing flow. I want to surrender I want to be made complete but part of me cant trust him when I cant see my own feet. I want to be able to look ahead to see the path on which I tread. But God demands that I walk fully reliant on him. To be blind folded and to let go of my sin. To trust that where he leads will be for my best and that with every struggle there is a test. He will not lead where I need not go, his only desire is that I might grow. He ask that with my eyes shut tight and my arms open wide I let his healing power wash my anxiety aside. To let my prayer flow freely to his throne above to trust in him for every inkling of love. To let my heart be made complete in him. To allow the majesty of His grace to begin. To work in my life and to make all things complete that his will for me may match his beat. To move to the rhythm he has set for my heart, to find the passion in my ministry and to stop just playing a part. To reach out to those who may be in need and to see beyond what my eyes can only perceive. God let me hear your heart let your melody move my feet. That your love may flow through me like a song made to be sweet. Let your will be my life and my actions reflect that choice, the choice to allow you to be my voice. To fall into your arms content in your love to allow you to hold me close in your protective bosom. Be my comforter be my guide but most importantly be the courage who stands by my side. Give me the strength to walk into a crowd knowing that your presence will abound. I want to stand up for you no matter what that may look like, help me to never fear to reflect you in my life. I make this stand I commit it all to you now, help me to never take back my vow. I love you lord and I know you will always be by my side, help me to never be ashamed because of my pride. I will stand, I will not fear, you have died for me and hung naked on a cross all you ask of me could never match that loss. I will stand tall I will stand firm with the strength you give me I will always and forever burn, with your consuming power and your wondrous light. I promise I will always be one who shines bright.
Consume Me
